Emalia's birth story: Peace and acceptance

 Yesterday I had to complete a full medical profile for myself to update my life insurance, which led me to logging in to myChart on Hawaii Pacific Health to get information regarding my c-section. It was the first time I read the detailed operative notes of my surgery and I felt so many emotions as I reread every step that happened that night, including a surprising one: immense gratitude.

I still cry so much over the circumstances of 'Emalia's birth. I'm less angry about my c-section and more heartbroken over robbed moments. I should have been the first one to hold her, I should've been able to hear her first cry, I should've been able to breastfeed her within her first hour of life. But you know what I realized? The doctors truly did save her life, as much as it pains me to admit that I could have been the cause of her passing had I chosen not to go to the hospital when I did. Her heart rate remained in the 60's for a sustained period of time upon checking in, when her baseline is normally ~140 bpm. I have absolutely no idea how long she was in distress for, and I was completely unaware she was even in distress. I was only focused on my natural birth plan. How silly of me to care about anything other than a viable, healthy baby girl. My pregnancy was healthy. I have a healthy baby. What happened in between (the period of time she was born) will remain a mystery.

She is truly a miracle. Science says everything should have turned out for the worst. But what I got was a very strong, beautiful, healthy, happy, baby girl. She did not need a single intervention or supplement after she was born. She was perfection. I cannot put into words how grateful I am for that. And you know what? If this is the way she needed to be born, I would do it a thousand times over to get the same result every time. I love her so much, and I'm grateful to Heavenly Father, and all the ministering angels, who carried her safely to me.

Despite my physical and emotional sacrifice, there is a silver lining in all of this. Josh got to be the first parent to hold her after she was born. This is very special for him, because when I gave birth to our first 3 children, I delivered them onto my own chest, where they stayed for an hour before he got to hold them. Actually, with Mikala, my family held him before he got to, and he's been hurt by that ever since. Emalia's birth was sort of a redemptive, healing birth for him. I was unconscious. Ema needed her father. He advocated for her and basically demanded to see her when a nurse came out to update him after she was born. Here are some photos he took and the messages he sent to me while I was still under general anesthesia:





Then, the first thing I remember saying as I was groggily waking up was, "Where's my baby? I need to feed her. Please let me feed her."





















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