Learning to Let Go
I've debated for a little while now about making this blog post. To some who are unable to relate, it may not be a big deal. But for me, it is a very big deal. So I guess I'll start off with a little background information.
June 2011 - Josh and I get married! Yay! Happiest time of our lives. Hands down. We are as happy as could be and the happiness and love just keeps growing. I am truly grateful for that. He is truly my best, best friend and everything I need and want. I'm not just saying that either. I'm humbled to think that Heavenly Father would see it fit to have me experience such happiness in marriage, and for that I am also truly grateful.
Josh and I talked about when we wanted to start our family from the beginning of our engagement. We were both concerned because A) I had 2 years and Josh had 3 years of schooling (undergrad) left and B) We both had no money/savings/means to provide for children right away. So our automatic solution to that was birth control. I proceeded to obtain it and stayed on it for about a year. However, during that entire year I kept feeling prompted to go off it, and I thought it was because we needed to have a baby right away. I did not want to make such a big decision by myself, I knew that Josh and I had to agree on it. He did not feel ready for the possibility of kids yet so I respected his wishes.
End of April/Beginning of May 2012 - Eventually, he got his own impression to start our family and agreed with me that I should stop using birth control. I was ecstatic!
May passes by...nothing. June, July, August...why am I not getting pregnant? No period. Negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test. Each time the discouragement sets in deeper and deeper. I decide it's time to get some answers.
August 2012 - Dr. diagnoses me with a simple dysmenorrhea. Prescribed progesterone to start a period. That happens (unfortunately).
September 2012 - Nothing is happening again!! I need a better answer this time! I am referred to an OB/GYN to get an ultrasound. I am shocked/devastated with the new diagnosis:
PCOS - Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome
I have so many questions! What is this?? What does this mean for me? And mine and Josh's future? I can't have this! There is no history of it (that I know of) on either side of my family! My mom was/is a perfectly healthy baby-making machine, shouldn't I have inherited that as well and not be struggling to conceive? Am I being punished? I feel broken and so alone...
4 months later...I am finally realizing that I am not alone. And this is the whole purpose of my posting this too. Is to help women realize that they are not alone. They are not the only ones suffering. Granted, this syndrome affects all women who have it differently. There is a number of symptoms that are related to it, some of the widely known ones being: -hursitism (excessive hair growth) -weight gain/inability to lose weight -irregular periods -acne
A person with PCOS could have all, some, or none of those "symptoms". The factor that classifies you as having PCOS is the presence of multiple small cysts on each ovary that are the result of an egg follicle failing to fully develop into a mature egg, thus inhibiting ovulation.
At first, I felt soooo overwhelmed with it. I was constantly researching what it was, what percentage of women had it, what percentage of women were able to conceive while having it, how long it took to conceive, and the list goes on.
Ever since I was a young girl, I always told myself that I ultimately just wanted to become a stay at home mother. I wanted to fulfill my purpose in bearing and raising children with my husband up unto the Lord. That was the only way I would find my greatest joy throughout adulthood --- or so I thought. Now I am questioning my purpose...this new path that the Lord has placed me on. Maybe he knows me better, and wants to bless a motherless child with a loving, adoptive mother, like me. Maybe I need to finish my education and become a licensed teacher before any children come into our lives. Maybe I'm not ready. Maybe this whole thing isn't about my ability/inability to conceive. Maybe this is about something bigger than me....
I still don't know what I'm supposed to do now.
Thankfully, I've been blessed with supportive loved ones.
When I first told my mother, she said "This will be a trial of your faith." It seriously has been. Not in the sense that I want to leave the church or anything. But it has been a trial of my faith in the Lord's plan for me, versus my own plans that I had for myself. I question it all the time! I struggle with being patient and submitting myself fully to the Lord, to let Him guide my life. I'm thankful my mom reminded me that I need to have faith in the Lord's timing.
Once in a while, whenever I see a newborn I'm instantly on the verge of tears. Call me moody/sensitive/emotionally unstable. I don't care. It hurts a little. I want so badly to be so so happy for the mother of that child. I truly do. But deep inside, I'm just a little resentful that my time hasn't come yet to become a mother as well. Thankfully, my husband reminds me that we can't see a person's story just by looking at them. Perhaps they struggled as well. In the last blessing of comfort Josh gave me, he said something along the lines of these words:
"Use this time now to become closer to your Father in Heaven...than ever before."
I'm usually pretty stubborn with this one. I always want to do things myself. I think that I can have any success I want just by my own earnest efforts. NOT TRUE. So, I'm thankful for a worthy priesthood holder for a husband who is in tune with the Spirit and is able to remind me of the eternal perspective.
In my Eternal Marriage class this past week, my teacher said these words that really hit me hard: "It may seem like those couples who want to be parents the most are the ones who can't have children, and the ones who don't want kids can't seem to stop getting pregnant." Obviously, this is just opinion. It's a statement that can't exactly be proven. But for me, it's the cold, hard truth. Even my brother said one day (not directly to me), "If you wanna have kids, just don't want them!!"
Fact: God blessed us with agency. Fact: Satan's influence is real Fact: His entire purpose is to thwart God's plan of happiness. Fact: God's plan of happiness includes 1)sealing between man and wife, and 2)bearing children, providing physical bodies for His spirit children, and raising them up in righteousness. Fact: The value of families in the world is steadily decaying. Fact: I desire to use my agency to fulfill God's plan of happiness.
People can tell me whatever they want to. For example: "You're too young to have kids" "You need to finish school/become financially stable before having kids" "Have fun while you can before kids get in the way of what you want to do on a daily basis!!" "You haven't been married long enough to your husband yet"
yada-yada-yada!!!!!!
On the other hand, some people will joke around (with good intentions) and say, "Where's the baby? Why aren't you pregnant yet? You two will have beautiful children someday!" I am not offended. I just ask that you please not judge us for not having children yet. It's not in our control. And I am still learning to accept that.
I love my husband. I know he will be a phenomenal father someday. I love children. I know that between those times when they stress me out and/or drive me crazy, I will love them all the same and be so so happy that they are in our lives. I love my family. And I want to bless some of Heavenly Father's children with a mortal family of their own....to be a part of mine someday.
I know that my post was written from only one perspective (being that I do not have any children yet and know nothing of motherhood). But I imagine that this post will give others insight into mine, remind them of their blessings, or even remind me of my blessings someday when I am a mother. Because I WILL become a mother someday, whether or not my kids are biological to me. I will love them all the same. And I know that someday I will look back at this time of struggling and the trials we face as a blessing. I will grow (and have grown) from this experience. I am truly grateful for a wonderful, loving, understanding, patient husband. I could not ask for a happier marriage. :)
So this is me, officially letting go. I am no longer trying to change what Heavenly Father wants for me. I'm resolving now to let Him direct my life as he sees to be right. I can only be blessed by doing so, and I know that as I let my faith grow, I will find greater happiness.
My dear sweet Ari!!
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you are going through!!! When Shaun and I got the promptings to start a family, I was faced with the same answer from my doctor. My mother called me one morning (while we were still in Hawaii) and told me this story.
A young child came to Heavenly Father with a broken toy that he loved and wanted more than anything. He asked Heavenly Father to help him fix this toy. As time went by,the young child became discouraged at the state of his beloved toy and asked Heavenly Father why he did not help him. Heavenly Father simply said, "my dear sweet child, you would not let it go so I could fix it."
Always remember that Heavenly Father can see the big picture and knows the desires of your heart. Even though I wanted a child of my own, Heavenly Father knew I needed something else; I needed you and all the young women that I was fortunate enough to serve and love you like you were my own daughters. And for that you will always have a special place in my heart. Once I truly put everything in the Lord's hands, I was at peace with whatever he decided and I was able to cultivate my relationship with my husband.
Love your husband, Love the Lord and know that he loves you!!
Love you always!!
Feeleece
What a thought provoking post. I remind myself every day that everyone has trials whether or not we are aware. I have a friend who has been trying for 7 years to get pregnant and finally did. I just imagine her and her husbands joy compared to someone who has no problem getting pregnant. I wish you and josh all the best in whatever path your journey takes.
ReplyDeleteLol...my mom is a baby making machine! Haha
ReplyDeleteI am one of those persons that doesn't want children, at least not in my foreseeable future. But after reading this post and others like it, I feel my stubbornness and selfishness weigh my conscience down. I feel for you, albeit on the other side of the spectrum. You are such a beautiful person inside and out, I wish the best for you both!
ReplyDeleteVeronica! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel that way. I just needed to get all of these feelings and thoughts out of my head and try to organize them in some way, and some how, find peace amidst all of the confusion. Everyone has their own struggles, and for some reason (I had a prompting actually) I felt like sharing mine. I think you're an awesome woman who is very capable of making her own decisions guided by the spirit. Don't let my whining make you feel less of a person or anything. Thanks for your kind words! You're always so sweet :)
DeleteThis is so well written. I too have been struggling through infertility for the last year and a half. And I have been wanting to write a blog post about it as well. But I am so scared to. I am afraid it will just encourage people to say the wrong things. I love your attitude. Keep that going, seriously. Don't forget. Read this blog post every week as long as it takes. It's simple to loose your grasp in the life lessons you gain from these experiences. I have had that happen too many times, and your post helped bring me to a better place again. So thanks :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for making this post. It's important for women who are going through this stuff to know they are not alone. It sounds like you have the right attitude about it.
ReplyDeleteWas I the brother who made the comment about not wanting kids in order to have them? It sounds like something I would say.
Oops I thought I replied to this. Yeah you were, and I figured you were just joking around so I hope it was okay that I included it in my blog post.
DeleteYou know, as I read about your post, a few thoughts came to my mind.
ReplyDelete1) You had the prompting to go off of birth control to find out about your situation. ---> We oftentimes think we are or aren't supposed to do something for a given reason, but Heavenly Father really has another purpose we'd have not thought of. (Example: Don't take birth control because I should start a family...but there's actually another reason you shouldn't take birth control.)
2) So maybe you are not able to get pregnant now, but perhaps His point was to help you find out about the disorder so that you would be able to get help in time to be able to eventually have children.
3) Why do you need to spend money on birth control if your body (unfortunately) is providing its own, of sorts? (And you would not have been able to find out if you didn't follow that prompting.)
4) You're young and you have a long life in front of you. It's hard now, and I just want to say that because there's a long road ahead of you, there's more of a chance for things working out. :)You have no need to fear, because God is on your side. He's the one who helped you find out in the first place. He really does love YOU.
Thank you for your comments Emily, you're so sweet :) the best lessons in life are the ones we don't want to learn. because they're for our good!
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