Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Waiting All Over Again

I'm proud of myself for managing to keep my last two posts happy. Don't get me wrong, I am so very happy with my life. I have a great husband who treats me wonderfully, a great family (on both sides), absolutely wonderful friends, I am very near completing my undergraduate education, I live in an absolutely beautiful place, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and I can surf whenever I want to. I am happy. Not saying that I absolutely need all of those things to be happy - with the exception of the gospel, because we all need that - but I am very content and happy with how my life has turned out and how it continues to unfold.

Maybe it's because I am content with all those things that I have such a hard time accepting my infertility. It sticks out like a sore thumb in my life. It's the black speck of paint against the backdrop of a pure white canvas. It's the bump in the road I just can't seem to get over.

A couple of Sundays ago I had to walk out of Sacrament meeting because we had gotten there kind of late and as a result sat in the back, where we had a perfect view of allllll the babies in the ward. At first I smiled as I saw their cute pudgy faces, and then I suddenly started hurting in my heart. I began crying, and Josh took me out as soon as he noticed in order to find out what was going on and to talk to me about it. By the end of our talk, I learned from him that I need to just accept this trial that I have been given. As soon as I can do that, I will be able to stop asking "why?" and start asking, "Lord, what would thou have me do?" and "How shall I do it?". If you click the link, it goes to the passage of scripture in the Book of Mormon that talks about when Nephi is commanded to build a ship, suffers much affliction, and instead of asking "Why have you asked such a hard thing of me?" he, instead, says, "Whither shall I go that I may...make tools to construct the ship after the manner which thou hast shown me?"

Yesterday while taking my morning shower I was thinking about life (isn't the shower the BEST place to do that??) and about how much fun my weekend was. I was so happy. I thought, I couldn't have done all those things if I had a baby. Not that I would choose fun with friends over my child, but you get the point. In that moment, I realized, I was fine. I accepted my condition, my trial. I was truly content and even told Josh about it. Good ole Satan, he was listening too. So today he chose to tempt me and try me even harder by attacking my subconscious.

Last night I had watched an episode of THe Walking Dead before falling asleep. Of course, I dreamed about it. For those of you who follow the show, do you remember when Lori found out she was pregnant and was afraid to tell the group, especially Rick? In my dreams last night, I was Lori. Except, when I found out I was pregnant, everyone in my survival group was so happy and excited for me, especially my husband! Somehow the urine test I took also showed me an ultrasound of my baby inside my belly. I was crying with happiness. Right on cue, I woke up at that point. And I really had to pee! I was convinced that my dream was telling me maybe I am pregnant? I ran to the bathroom, ripped open a test (I have a couple on hand, just in case), and took it. At first I thought these tests were the kind that show two vertical lines to indicate a positive result, like this:

And I stopped breathing. Was it really positive??? I checked the box, and it was not that kind of test. You need one + sign and one | to indicate a positive result. My heart sank. I couldn't even cry because it was a sight I had seen all too often (before I found out I had PCOS, I took so many tests because I hadn't gotten my period in a while).

This WOULD happen the day after I decide I accept my trial! Figures!! But you know what, this time, I did not cry. I may be battling with my thoughts to prevent them from straying to depressing ones, but I feel stronger than before.

This morning I realized that this thing I am struggling with reminds me of when I was waiting for Josh as he served his mission. I kept a private blog during those two years to rant, rave, vent, cry, and whine, but also to record my Spiritual growth. Looking back on those posts, I grew soooo much over those two years! And the same thing would happen to me too, I would dream of what I wanted (Josh coming home), and wake up only to realize it wasn't real and just cry. But I did get stronger over time, and I feel I am doing the same thing now with this trial. It's a different one, because with Josh there was sort of an "expiration date" to that trial, as I knew he would only be gone for two years. How long will I have to wait to start our family? 2 Years? 3, 4, 5? However long I am required, it looks like I am waiting all over again. This time it will require even more faith than what I thought I had when Josh was on his mission. It's crazy to look at your life and realize how the Lord prepares you for certain trials by utilizing "half-step" trials. The waiting for Josh trial was a half-step towards dealing with this even bigger trial.

I am truly truly grateful for the knowledge of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know, without a doubt, that if I did not have it in my life, I would be so lost right now. I would be depressed, I would be angry, I would be hopeless. Granted, I have had those feelings in passing in the last almost-year, but they have not stayed. I am able to overcome them. And I know that "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me." He will not "leave me comfortless." And I know I can always look to Him to find peace. So, yes, I will gladly wait all over again for this blessing to come into my life, but on the Lord's time.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Chinese New Year

Kung Hee Fat Choy!!! It is now the year of the snake! Sorry I know I am blogging backwards because Chinese New Years was on Feb 10 but that's okay. Chinese New Years always makes me miss my Chinese grampa who passes away just two years ago. He didn't say much to us because he was a quiet man except when he would lovingly boss us around hehe. But I knew how much he loved us. He always got us Chinese candies and I never liked them but I still ate them. I am proud to say that I am 25% Chinese!

My husband's family is also Chinese so they have their own traditions as well. Ever since we were engaged his family has invited me to eat in Chinatown and then watch the lion dancing and firecrackers everywhere! This was our third year celebrating together and it was just as fun as the years before!

Valentine's Day 2013

Valentines Day was so so perfect this year! The best one I have ever had, hands down.

First I will backtrack to the night before. We have a really good friend whose husband is away so I thought it would be a good idea to do something for her! I originally wanted to heart attack her door, but when I went to steal paper from the school of Ed they had run out of red butcher paper! So I grabbed a long roll of white paper, brought it home, and then got josh to help me draw on it. It was a fun bonding activity for us and I told josh that I would like to make this a Valentines tradition! Pick two people we know who could use some Valentines lovin and make them treats or gifts! 6 am the next day we rolled out of bed to sneakily tape the poster to her door. We also did this for another girl in the ward whose husband just left and it was funny because josh pounded on her screen door and we ran away laughing. It was exciting.

8 am Josh made me breakfast and drew a lily (my favorite flower) on our bathroom mirror! My boss Kiki dropped off the cupcakes I had ordered from her and she ended up not charging me anything because she couldn't make me what I had originally wanted (red velvet). What she doesn't know is that her chocolate chip cookie dough cupcakes were EVEN BETTER!!! Seriously they were so amazing!!! She has a small side business called Cupcakes by Kiki and I wish she had more time to take orders from people because she is seriously the best cupcake maker I have ever met.

11:30 am I left and told Josh that I was going to clock in to work early. He was so proud of me because usually I am late so naturally he believed that that was where I was going. Nope! I had secretly pre ordered 3 large pizzas from Dominos for him and his class that started at 12:10! I rushed down to Hau'ula to pick them up, ran to my work to borrow some papers and a sharpie so I could write "Josh! Will you be my Valentine? .....or is this too CHEESY?!" Hahaha I got that idea off of Pinterest. Josh loved it and so did his class. I was officially the best wife in the world to them and I am proud of myself. That was definitely a one time thing though because the pizzas were expensive.

2 pm We surfed perfect T-bay!!!! I have been waiting for the wind to calm down and the waves to get smaller because they have been too huge for forever. It was the perfect sesh with just me and my hubby. I was sooooo happy.

4 pm We rushed home to get ready for our double date night with our newlywed cousins Kai'anui and his wife Kea! We love love love hanging out with those two, its always a riot when we get together they are so fun and hilarious. I'm grateful they invited us and offered to treat us to one of my most favorite restaurants, Buca Di Beppo!

7:45 pm We ended the night by watching Warm Bodies. Not a typical vday pick but it was a great movie and I have been wanting to watch it since forever.

I love my husband and I love our life that we share together!

Saturday, February 9, 2013

I Could've Written This Post Myself

Thank you, Infertile Myrtle, for speaking for the rest if us.

Some days I am strong. Some days I can shrug off the comments. Some days I forget how broken I feel. Some days my faith is strong and I willfully submit to the Lord's plan for me, whatever that may be. But every day is a battle. Every. Single. Day.

My mind is blown by how much time has passed me by since we officially started "trying to conceive." At first I wouldn't admit it though. I would tell people, "We're not trying, but we're open to anything that may happen." Can you say foot in mouth?! I was not expecting this. Not one bit.

Looking back, almost all of my struggles were because of a mistake I made. So I knew it was my own fault that I was suffering. But when things just "happen," it really throws you for a loop. And I guess I'm still trying to figure out how to jump through that loop. Maybe that is the wrong attitude to have, but I am still learning.

It's hard to not think about it. It's hard not to feel down. But I won't stop hoping. Even if it may hurt me, in a way. I will continue to have hope.