Maybe it's because I am content with all those things that I have such a hard time accepting my infertility. It sticks out like a sore thumb in my life. It's the black speck of paint against the backdrop of a pure white canvas. It's the bump in the road I just can't seem to get over.
A couple of Sundays ago I had to walk out of Sacrament meeting because we had gotten there kind of late and as a result sat in the back, where we had a perfect view of allllll the babies in the ward. At first I smiled as I saw their cute pudgy faces, and then I suddenly started hurting in my heart. I began crying, and Josh took me out as soon as he noticed in order to find out what was going on and to talk to me about it. By the end of our talk, I learned from him that I need to just accept this trial that I have been given. As soon as I can do that, I will be able to stop asking "why?" and start asking, "Lord, what would thou have me do?" and "How shall I do it?". If you click the link, it goes to the passage of scripture in the Book of Mormon that talks about when Nephi is commanded to build a ship, suffers much affliction, and instead of asking "Why have you asked such a hard thing of me?" he, instead, says, "Whither shall I go that I may...make tools to construct the ship after the manner which thou hast shown me?"
Yesterday while taking my morning shower I was thinking about life (isn't the shower the BEST place to do that??) and about how much fun my weekend was. I was so happy. I thought, I couldn't have done all those things if I had a baby. Not that I would choose fun with friends over my child, but you get the point. In that moment, I realized, I was fine. I accepted my condition, my trial. I was truly content and even told Josh about it. Good ole Satan, he was listening too. So today he chose to tempt me and try me even harder by attacking my subconscious.
Last night I had watched an episode of THe Walking Dead before falling asleep. Of course, I dreamed about it. For those of you who follow the show, do you remember when Lori found out she was pregnant and was afraid to tell the group, especially Rick? In my dreams last night, I was Lori. Except, when I found out I was pregnant, everyone in my survival group was so happy and excited for me, especially my husband! Somehow the urine test I took also showed me an ultrasound of my baby inside my belly. I was crying with happiness. Right on cue, I woke up at that point. And I really had to pee! I was convinced that my dream was telling me something...like maybe I am pregnant? I ran to the bathroom, ripped open a test (I have a couple on hand, just in case), and took it. At first I thought these tests were the kind that show two vertical lines to indicate a positive result, like this:
And I stopped breathing. Was it really positive??? I checked the box, and it was not that kind of test. You need one + sign and one | to indicate a positive result. My heart sank. I couldn't even cry because it was a sight I had seen all too often (before I found out I had PCOS, I took so many tests because I hadn't gotten my period in a while).
This WOULD happen the day after I decide I accept my trial! Figures!! But you know what, this time, I did not cry. I may be battling with my thoughts to prevent them from straying to depressing ones, but I feel stronger than before.
This morning I realized that this thing I am struggling with reminds me of when I was waiting for Josh as he served his mission. I kept a private blog during those two years to rant, rave, vent, cry, and whine, but also to record my Spiritual growth. Looking back on those posts, I grew soooo much over those two years! And the same thing would happen to me too, I would dream of what I wanted (Josh coming home), and wake up only to realize it wasn't real and just cry. But I did get stronger over time, and I feel I am doing the same thing now with this trial. It's a different one, because with Josh there was sort of an "expiration date" to that trial, as I knew he would only be gone for two years. How long will I have to wait to start our family? 2 Years? 3, 4, 5? However long I am required, it looks like I am waiting all over again. This time it will require even more faith than what I thought I had when Josh was on his mission. It's crazy to look at your life and realize how the Lord prepares you for certain trials by utilizing "half-step" trials. The waiting for Josh trial was a half-step towards dealing with this even bigger trial.
I am truly truly grateful for the knowledge of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know, without a doubt, that if I did not have it in my life, I would be so lost right now. I would be depressed, I would be angry, I would be hopeless. Granted, I have had those feelings in passing in the last almost-year, but they have not stayed. I am able to overcome them. And I know that "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me." He will not "leave me comfortless." And I know I can always look to Him to find peace. So, yes, I will gladly wait all over again for this blessing to come into my life, but on the Lord's time.