Tuesday, January 20, 2015

New Year, Not So New Thoughts

I was reading through some old blog posts since I hardly update this thing...it's interesting how I'll read something and completely not remember ever thinking or writing it. But anyway, this post is a follow-up of a post I wrote in January 2012 titled, "New Year, New Thoughts."
Well, I changed the name of this blog post to not so new thoughts. The reason being, as I read through that post, I realized...personally, I haven't even changed. I still feel discontent when I thinking about who I am as a person. I still have a lot to work on...and at first, I felt really discouraged. It has been 3 years since that post was written. Have I really not progressed at all, since then???
Let's make a list of milestones in the past 3 years:
-graduated from college, summa cum laude
-finished student teaching
-got hired at a school right away

And that's pretty much it....plug in surfing and dates and family activities in between and that's me in a nutshell.  Yeah, those are things I've done. But what have I done?? My thoughts reflect on a church hymn:

Have I done any good in the world today?
Have I helped anyone in need?
Have I cheered up the sad, and made someone feel glad?
If not, I have failed, indeed

Maybe that's why I feel so discontent and unsatisfied at times.  I have felt highs and lows, and at times it seems the lows outweigh the highs. The worst part is, I know. I know that it's all up to me. My attitude, my actions. My choices.

I want to be selfless. I want to feel content. I don't want to be consumed by things I think I want but can never seem to get. I don't want to feel like I'll never measure up to others or my own (un)realistic expectations. This year, I want to change my nature. Does that sound contradictory, or what?

I want to be more Christ-like. I need to stop using the word I.

This is a new question for myself: What are some needs of those around me? And how can I fulfill them?

2015 WILL be different.