Tuesday, February 21, 2012

The Need for Closure

I've always been one who needs closure. Whether it's not being able to stop working on an assignment/project until it's finished, or whether I've had a falling out with someone and, over two years later, I still have no explanation for why things happened that way and no closure. You can probably guess that this blog is going to be about the latter.

I consider myself a very passionate person. I know I've said this before, but it's very true. If you could compare me to any fictitious character, I'd probably suggest Jasper from the Twilight series. How he's so empathetic with others and can feel their emotions. That's how I've been my whole life. That's why some people consider me easy to get along with, it's because I pay close attention to who they are and what they like, and then I do everything I can to not cross them. Simply put, I don't like contention. So I go out of my way to avoid it. In my family, if someone needs something, I go out of my way to give it to them or to at least comfort them if they're in need. I'll bake cookies for my housemates, buy ice cream for my little sister who's had a rough day with the girls at her school, and I'll wash and fold laundry for my husband while he's at work to give him one less thing to worry about. Sometimes people notice my acts of kindness, sometimes they don't. Sometimes I care about whether or not they notice, and sometimes I don't. I honestly want other people to be happy. And in my mind it's easy to make another person happy. You just do service for them. Anything that will ease their burdens or add a little cheer to their day. But something I've always struggled with was feeling happy with myself, especially after waking up from having another dream where things between me and a former friend are happy and perfect again.

Some people are able to let the past be the past. But for me, if there was no closure to the past, then the past still eats away at me from time to time. I blame myself for losing friends even when I'm not sure how I lost them. That's the only explanation I can think of. I have these recurring dreams that make me wonder if I really should take a step of courage and try to patch things up again. I value every friend, and I put all my heart into every relationship I have.

I don't really know where I'm going with this, but I just needed to express some things on my mind that have been bottled up. Maybe I need some type of catharsis.

I hope some day I'll have the courage to patch things up.