Emalia's Birth Story: Still processing...

 'Ema was born almost 3 weeks ago, and I have been meaning to get on here to finish her birth story. My last blog post came from a place of raw, unfiltered pain -- both physical and emotional. I was still lying flat in my hospital bed while I wrote it on my phone, unable to move very much without pain. I sobbed as I wrote it, and with each sob, it felt like I was tearing open my stitches, but I couldn't control it.

Statistics say that about 1 in 3 births in the U.S. are c-sections. That is a high percentage, and is so common that mentioning when one gives birth via c-section, it does not elicit any strong emotion or reactions from others....but it should. 30% of births in the U.S. are c-sections? That is unacceptable. I regret not listening more carefully to women who have been through this; I regret not trying taking it more seriously. I regret ever thinking to myself, "Well, she's taking the easy way out," when I hear of elective c-sections. It is MAJOR surgery. There are not one, not two, but seven, SEVEN layers that a surgeon must cut through in order to get the baby out.

I feel intense failure and grief that my body couldn't safely birth my baby girl naturally. My first three children were each born with some sort of inductive or augmented labors, under constant monitoring of medical professionals. Would I even have any live children if I had given birth centuries ago, during a time without such modern technology and advances in medicinal practices? I still get emotional about this every single day. Is this selfish, since I was gifted with the miracle of a beautiful, pink, breathing, healthy baby?

I'll never be whole again. I feel like I got mutilated. But, if they didn't intervene, the thought of what could've happened to my baby feels even worse. I don't understand how people mention c-sections so nonchalantly, in passing. I am forever changed, and not in a good way.

I really thought my biggest obstacle going into this birth would be my lack of mental strength to endure the pain of natural childbirth. When the day came, I actually felt so strong! The beautiful birth I had pictured for 9 months was within grasp, it was so close. It never occurred to me that my body would not cooperate with this plan. During my months of preparation and battling labor fears, my mantra was "This is the safest way to bring my baby earth side." In this instance, nothing could've been further from the truth. If I had stayed home and attempted to have her there, without any medical professionals, I could have lost her; this is a very real possibility.

So, what went wrong? I will never know, and that is part of my pain. Is something wrong with me? How was I able to birth 3 other babies before her? Is it because she was almost 2 lbs heavier than any other baby I've had? Did her size exceed what could fit through my pelvis? Did her umbilical cord prolapse when my water broke? Was she stuck too high? I will never know.

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