Sunday, January 27, 2013

What does your faith look like?

Today our Relief Society lesson was on Faith. I've had more lessons on this topic than I can even count, having grown up in the church, but I must say that today's lesson moved me to tears. Not only were the teacher's stories touching, but the message she taught was powerful. It really made me think about my own faith and what I've been going through (not just with the PCOS thing, but some big decisions I'm going to need to make very soon regarding my education). So now I'm asking, what does your seed of faith look like?

Do you still need to plant it?

Has it just barely begun to sprout?

Have you spent time nurturing it and begun to "branch" out?

Are you a big, beautiful, healthy plant serving as an example for other little seeds to grow? :)

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Following Up With Gratitude

I mentioned in the beginning of my last post that I had been debating about whether or not to post it, and that was due in large part to my hesitancy (is that a real word?) in sharing with the world my personal problem that Josh and I (because he is such a huge support) are dealing with. Despite those feelings, I went ahead and shared with the world what I am going through. Turns out, it was a prompting and I'm so glad I listened. Why? Because of all of you. This wasn't the purpose for my posting last time, but I have received such an outpouring of love, advice, and support. Thank you so much. The main reason for my last post was to help others experiencing the same struggles know that they are not alone, and that they do not have to suffer alone. Lastly, I needed questions answered. A lot of my questions have been answered in the past couple of days, but I still have questions. I'm hoping to see an Endocrinologist (someone who specializes in hormone disorders) soon to get more answers. I also need to pray about whether or not I should take meds (Metformin or Clomid?) to try and get pregnant. In the temple the other night I finally felt so at peace with my situation. Although I have accepted it, there are times when I just want to break down and cry because I feel so helpless! But I've realized that I need to start making my prayers more specific, and I should probably get a medical blessing rather than just one of comfort. Not to say that Josh's blessings of comfort haven't helped, because they really, really have, but it can't help to try something different as well. Anyways, thank you all again for your words of kindness and love -- I'm truly blessed to have each and every one of you in my life.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Learning to Let Go

The title of this post may seem dismal. But read on, and you will understand what it means.

I've debated for a little while now about making this blog post. To some who are unable to relate, it may not be a big deal. But for me, it is a very big deal. So I guess I'll start off with a little background information.

June 2011 - Josh and I get married! Yay! Happiest time of our lives. Hands down. We are as happy as could be and the happiness and love just keeps growing. I am truly grateful for that. He is truly my best, best friend and everything I need and want. I'm not just saying that either. I'm humbled to think that Heavenly Father would see it fit to have me experience such happiness in marriage, and for that I am also truly grateful.

Josh and I talked about when we wanted to start our family from the beginning of our engagement. We were both concerned because A) I had 2 years and Josh had 3 years of schooling (undergrad) left and B) We both had no money/savings/means to provide for children right away. So our automatic solution to that was birth control. I proceeded to obtain it and stayed on it for about a year. However, during that entire year I kept feeling prompted to go off it, and I thought it was because we needed to have a baby right away. I did not want to make such a big decision by myself, I knew that Josh and I had to agree on it. He did not feel ready for the possibility of kids yet so I respected his wishes.

End of April/Beginning of May 2012 - Eventually, he got his own impression to start our family and agreed with me that I should stop using birth control. I was ecstatic!

May passes by...nothing. June, July, August...why am I not getting pregnant? No period. Negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test. Each time the discouragement sets in deeper and deeper. I decide it's time to get some answers.

August 2012 - Dr. diagnoses me with a simple dysmenorrhea. Prescribed progesterone to start a period. That happens (unfortunately).

September 2012 - Nothing is happening again!! I need a better answer this time! I am referred to an OB/GYN to get an ultrasound. I am shocked/devastated with the new diagnosis:

PCOS - Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome

I have so many questions! What is this?? What does this mean for me? And mine and Josh's future? I can't have this! There is no history of it (that I know of) on either side of my family! My mom was/is a perfectly healthy baby-making machine, shouldn't I have inherited that as well and not be struggling to conceive? Am I being punished? I feel broken and so alone...

4 months later...I am finally realizing that I am not alone. And this is the whole purpose of my posting this too. Is to help women realize that they are not alone. They are not the only ones suffering. Granted, this syndrome affects all women who have it differently. There is a number of symptoms that are related to it, some of the widely known ones being: -hursitism (excessive hair growth) -weight gain/inability to lose weight -irregular periods -acne

A person with PCOS could have all, some, or none of those "symptoms". The factor that classifies you as having PCOS is the presence of multiple small cysts on each ovary that are the result of an egg follicle failing to fully develop into a mature egg, thus inhibiting ovulation.

At first, I felt soooo overwhelmed with it. I was constantly researching what it was, what percentage of women had it, what percentage of women were able to conceive while having it, how long it took to conceive, and the list goes on.

Ever since I was a young girl, I always told myself that I ultimately just wanted to become a stay at home mother. I wanted to fulfill my purpose in bearing and raising children with my husband up unto the Lord. That was the only way I would find my greatest joy throughout adulthood --- or so I thought. Now I am questioning my purpose...this new path that the Lord has placed me on. Maybe he knows me better, and wants to bless a motherless child with a loving, adoptive mother, like me. Maybe I need to finish my education and become a licensed teacher before any children come into our lives. Maybe I'm not ready. Maybe this whole thing isn't about my ability/inability to conceive. Maybe this is about something bigger than me....

I still don't know what I'm supposed to do now.

Thankfully, I've been blessed with supportive loved ones.

When I first told my mother, she said "This will be a trial of your faith." It seriously has been. Not in the sense that I want to leave the church or anything. But it has been a trial of my faith in the Lord's plan for me, versus my own plans that I had for myself. I question it all the time! I struggle with being patient and submitting myself fully to the Lord, to let Him guide my life. I'm thankful my mom reminded me that I need to have faith in the Lord's timing.

Once in a while, whenever I see a newborn I'm instantly on the verge of tears. Call me moody/sensitive/emotionally unstable. I don't care. It hurts a little. I want so badly to be so so happy for the mother of that child. I truly do. But deep inside, I'm just a little resentful that my time hasn't come yet to become a mother as well. Thankfully, my husband reminds me that we can't see a person's story just by looking at them. Perhaps they struggled as well. In the last blessing of comfort Josh gave me, he said something along the lines of these words:

"Use this time now to become closer to your Father in Heaven...than ever before."

I'm usually pretty stubborn with this one. I always want to do things myself. I think that I can have any success I want just by my own earnest efforts. NOT TRUE. So, I'm thankful for a worthy priesthood holder for a husband who is in tune with the Spirit and is able to remind me of the eternal perspective.

In my Eternal Marriage class this past week, my teacher said these words that really hit me hard: "It may seem like those couples who want to be parents the most are the ones who can't have children, and the ones who don't want kids can't seem to stop getting pregnant." Obviously, this is just opinion. It's a statement that can't exactly be proven. But for me, it's the cold, hard truth. Even my brother said one day (not directly to me), "If you wanna have kids, just don't want them!!"

Fact: God blessed us with agency. Fact: Satan's influence is real Fact: His entire purpose is to thwart God's plan of happiness. Fact: God's plan of happiness includes 1)sealing between man and wife, and 2)bearing children, providing physical bodies for His spirit children, and raising them up in righteousness. Fact: The value of families in the world is steadily decaying. Fact: I desire to use my agency to fulfill God's plan of happiness.

People can tell me whatever they want to. For example: "You're too young to have kids" "You need to finish school/become financially stable before having kids" "Have fun while you can before kids get in the way of what you want to do on a daily basis!!" "You haven't been married long enough to your husband yet"

yada-yada-yada!!!!!!

On the other hand, some people will joke around (with good intentions) and say, "Where's the baby? Why aren't you pregnant yet? You two will have beautiful children someday!" I am not offended. I just ask that you please not judge us for not having children yet. It's not in our control. And I am still learning to accept that.

I love my husband. I know he will be a phenomenal father someday. I love children. I know that between those times when they stress me out and/or drive me crazy, I will love them all the same and be so so happy that they are in our lives. I love my family. And I want to bless some of Heavenly Father's children with a mortal family of their own....to be a part of mine someday.

I know that my post was written from only one perspective (being that I do not have any children yet and know nothing of motherhood). But I imagine that this post will give others insight into mine, remind them of their blessings, or even remind me of my blessings someday when I am a mother. Because I WILL become a mother someday, whether or not my kids are biological to me. I will love them all the same. And I know that someday I will look back at this time of struggling and the trials we face as a blessing. I will grow (and have grown) from this experience. I am truly grateful for a wonderful, loving, understanding, patient husband. I could not ask for a happier marriage. :)

So this is me, officially letting go. I am no longer trying to change what Heavenly Father wants for me. I'm resolving now to let Him direct my life as he sees to be right. I can only be blessed by doing so, and I know that as I let my faith grow, I will find greater happiness.