Sunday, November 30, 2014
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
I am the One who aches. When you stop to think and look and just sit and take in all that is the pain and stress you feel is in your life, I am right there, looking and sitting and thinking and wishing that I could have a chance at your trial.
I am the One who wonders. You're right, I don't know what it's like. I have no idea what it's like. How could I? I've not yet experienced it. Will I love it? Will I hate it? Will I know what to do when the time comes? Will it bring all the happiness that I have romanticized that it would? Will I still get to be Me?
I am the One who tries. You say it's a burden to have this life. I try to see your perspective. Others seem to be blessed while I remain empty. I try to see God's plan for them; I try to see God's plan for myself. You share your blessed news with me, and that relentless, everlasting battle starts raging inside of me AGAIN. I try to fight off the part of me that wants to scream and crumble at the same time. I try to only let the side show where I am truly happy for you, because I love you. I try to forget the pain that wants to consume me. I try to see the joy in the journey.
When you walk in to a party and we have not seen each other in awhile I am happy to see you, but I am especially happy to offer to hold your child. That precious life that you bore and gave a body to in this mortal life. When you need to eat or just need a break and want to do that thing you love that you haven't done much ever since your life completely and wonderfully changed, I am the One who will be there. I will take him or her in my arms. I am the One who will open my heart and let all that love spill out and just overtake the two of us in a cloud of bliss. All I see are her/his eyes. The rest of the world melts away.
When you complain about the aches and pains of carrying and growing a life for 9 months, I will be there to give you perspective. "At least you can," I say. When you feel like those little rascals give you nothing but grief and stress in a make-you-want-to-pull-your-hair-out kind of way, I will be there to show you that laughter is the best medicine. That the innocence of a child is the most pure of all things on this earth.
I am the One who has a purpose. I am One, among many, who struggles with infertility. I am NOT an infertile woman. Infertility does not define me. I define Myself.
And I love Me, for who I chose to be. And I love my body for all that it does and does not.
I am the One. But someday, I hope to be the One on this earth who my children will call mother.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Early the next day, he was awakened by the sound of a ship approaching the island! It had come to rescue him! 'How did you know I was here?' asked the weary man of his rescuers. 'We saw your smoke signal,' they replied.
The Moral of This Story:
It's easy to get discouraged when things are going bad, but we shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of our pain and suffering. Remember that the next time your little hut seems to be burning to the ground, it just may be a smoke signal that summons the Grace of God.
P.S. You may want to consider passing this on, because you never know who feels as if their hut is on fire today.
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
I was born a Daughter and a Sister. For years I was a Center-Midfielder in soccer. I was a Teammate. For 15+ years I was a Student. Now I am a Teacher and a Mentor. But there is one title I wish so desperately to hold. I have been able to push it to the back of my mind for many months now. I'm not sure if it was desensitization or simply being in denial, but I have been able to focus on other things. In lieu of the upcoming holiday, that title has now been forced again to the front of my mind.
That title is Mother.
This month officially marks two years of wanting that title and knowing I would have to wait to get it.
I don't want to be ungrateful, so yes, I am truly grateful and indebted to my own mother. I honestly don't know how she managed to raise (and continues to raise...since the youngest is 8 years old) 11 children and still be as wonderful as she is today. We may not have always gotten along, but I know that she has made an impact in my life that I am truly grateful to her for in the areas where it mattered.
I am so grateful for Josh's mother, and in turn my mother-in-law. She is the sweetest lady I have ever met and doesn't have one mean or selfish bone in her body. I have only known her for 6 years, but in that time she has also been a wonderful example to me and has taken such good care of Josh and I throughout our marriage. Even before we were married, she was always praying for me and sending me sweet, uplifting messages.
I am grateful to call both of these women Mother.
I just watched a Mormon Messages video about Mothers. You can view it here. It said, "Life doesn't come with a manual. It comes with a Mother. I also listened to a talk by President Uchtdorf, in which he says something along the lines of, "...have hope in the Savior...and never give up." I thought to myself, do I know what having hope in the Savior means? I think it means to use the Savior as a strength in those moments where you want to give up. I think it means to believe that soon, the Lord will fulfill the promises He has made if we remain faithful. There's always that contingency of remaining faithful. Why can't we just make things happen when we want them to? Without the struggle, there would be no story, without the story, there would be no experience. And without experience, there would be no lessons learned or values instilled in us. I am grateful for this, the true Gospel of Christ. I am grateful I have someone with the best title to carry me through hard times.
That title is Savior.