Sunday, November 30, 2014

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

I Am The One

I am the One who dreams. I take a look at my present and say to myself, "That's great, but it's not enough." I thank God for the outpouring of love in my life. Yet, I yearn and seek for the ultimate manifestation of love that I may give someday.

I am the One who aches. When you stop to think and look and just sit and take in all that is the pain and stress you feel is in your life, I am right there, looking and sitting and thinking and wishing that I could have a chance at your trial.

I am the One who wonders. You're right, I don't know what it's like. I have no idea what it's like. How could I? I've not yet experienced it. Will I love it? Will I hate it? Will I know what to do when the time comes? Will it bring all the happiness that I have romanticized that it would? Will I still get to be Me?

I am the One who tries. You say it's a burden to have this life. I try to see your perspective. Others seem to be blessed while I remain empty. I try to see God's plan for them; I try to see God's plan for myself. You share your blessed news with me, and that relentless, everlasting battle starts raging inside of me AGAIN. I try to fight off the part of me that wants to scream and crumble at the same time. I try to only let the side show where I am truly happy for you, because I love you. I try to forget the pain that wants to consume me. I try to see the joy in the journey.

When you walk in to a party and we have not seen each other in awhile I am happy to see you, but I am especially happy to offer to hold your child. That precious life that you bore and gave a body to in this mortal life. When you need to eat or just need a break and want to do that thing you love that you haven't done much ever since your life completely and wonderfully changed, I am the One who will be there. I will take him or her in my arms. I am the One who will open my heart and let all that love spill out and just overtake the two of us in a cloud of bliss. All I see are her/his eyes. The rest of the world melts away.

When you complain about the aches and pains of carrying and growing a life for 9 months, I will be there to give you perspective. "At least you can," I say. When you feel like those little rascals give you nothing but grief and stress in a make-you-want-to-pull-your-hair-out kind of way, I will be there to show you that laughter is the best medicine. That the innocence of a child is the most pure of all things on this earth.

I am the One who has a purpose. I am One, among many, who struggles with infertility. I am NOT an infertile woman. Infertility does not define me. I define Myself.

And I love Me, for who I chose to be. And I love my body for all that it does and does not.

I am the One. But someday, I hope to be the One on this earth who my children will call mother.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

When Your Hut Is On Fire

The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him. Every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements ,and to store his few possessions. One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, with smoke rolling up to the sky. He felt the worst had happened, and everything was lost. He was stunned with disbelief, grief, and anger. He cried out, 'God! How could you do this to me?'

Early the next day, he was awakened by the sound of a ship approaching the island! It had come to rescue him! 'How did you know I was here?' asked the weary man of his rescuers. 'We saw your smoke signal,' they replied.

The Moral of This Story:

It's easy to get discouraged when things are going bad, but we shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of our pain and suffering. Remember that the next time your little hut seems to be burning to the ground, it just may be a smoke signal that summons the Grace of God.

P.S. You may want to consider passing this on, because you never know who feels as if their hut is on fire today.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014


Titles matter. Titles establish roles and responsibilities. Titles also credit respect and authority to recognize certain achievements. Titles distinguish one person from another. We go through life holding many titles.

I was born a Daughter and a Sister. For years I was a Center-Midfielder in soccer. I was a Teammate. For 15+ years I was a Student. Now I am a Teacher and a Mentor. But there is one title I wish so desperately to hold. I have been able to push it to the back of my mind for many months now. I'm not sure if it was desensitization or simply being in denial, but I have been able to focus on other things. In lieu of the upcoming holiday, that title has now been forced again to the front of my mind.

That title is Mother.

This month officially marks two years of wanting that title and knowing I would have to wait to get it.

I don't want to be ungrateful, so yes, I am truly grateful and indebted to my own mother. I honestly don't know how she managed to raise (and continues to raise...since the youngest is 8 years old) 11 children and still be as wonderful as she is today. We may not have always gotten along, but I know that she has made an impact in my life that I am truly grateful to her for in the areas where it mattered.

I am so grateful for Josh's mother, and in turn my mother-in-law. She is the sweetest lady I have ever met and doesn't have one mean or selfish bone in her body. I have only known her for 6 years, but in that time she has also been a wonderful example to me and has taken such good care of Josh and I throughout our marriage. Even before we were married, she was always praying for me and sending me sweet, uplifting messages.

I am grateful to call both of these women Mother.

I just watched a Mormon Messages video about Mothers. You can view it here. It said, "Life doesn't come with a manual. It comes with a Mother. I also listened to a talk by President Uchtdorf, in which he says something along the lines of, "...have hope in the Savior...and never give up." I thought to myself, do I know what having hope in the Savior means? I think it means to use the Savior as a strength in those moments where you want to give up. I think it means to believe that soon, the Lord will fulfill the promises He has made if we remain faithful. There's always that contingency of remaining faithful. Why can't we just make things happen when we want them to? Without the struggle, there would be no story, without the story, there would be no experience. And without experience, there would be no lessons learned or values instilled in us. I am grateful for this, the true Gospel of Christ. I am grateful I have someone with the best title to carry me through hard times.

That title is Savior.

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Hastening the Work of Salvation

Well so much has happened since the start of the year.  I graduated from BYUH on December 15, 2013. After that Josh and I prepared to move out of TVA and that's exactly what we did on December 30th.  Originally my mom had told us about this new house she was in the process of purchasing in Pearl City and told us that the deal would most likely be finalized by the end of December. Well, the end of December came, we stuck to our check out date despite the fact that the house in Pearl City had not been finalized, so we put the majority of our things in the garage of the new house and kept our suitcases of clothes with us at my moms house where we were going to stay just for a week - or so we thought. Meanwhile, I had gotten hired at Mililani Waena Elementary school to teach fifth grade. So while we were staying at my moms house, in a tent, I started my teaching career. That was stressful.  In addition to that, Josh and I had the prompting a month or two before that he needed to quit his job at Turtle Bay. The reason was Josh had been missing a lot of church due to working on Sundays. I felt it was hurting his spirit, but also our marriage because he was always working when I was home from student teaching. We hardly saw each other. It was a good thing we followed that prompting because Josh got an internship for his last semester on the west side and in town and would not have been able to keep his job. He quit before I was offered a full time job so we went off of faith that I would get hired.  When I got offered the job, I was hesitant because it was a co-teaching job.....I had no idea what co-teaching was! But after pondering and praying about it I knew I needed to take that job.  

I was bummed when we got the prompting to move from the beloved North Shore, that totally matched our surfing lifestyle, to Pearl City.
I was bummed when our house was not yet ready for us to move in to and we had to live in a tent for a month.
I was bummed that I took a co-teaching job rather than receiving a traditional teaching job where I get my own class.

But I am here to testify that because all those things happened, I am happier than I would have been if things went the way we had planned it. 

Because we moved to Pearl City, I am close to my job, Josh is close to his internship, we have bonded so much more closely with my family, and we have come in to contact with so many people whom we have helped and shared the gospel with. 

Because our house was not yet ready for us, we saved money on an entire month's rent while  it took a whole month for me to get my first paycheck. 

Because I took a co-teaching job, I am gaining invaluable experience, I have gotten my foot in the door and started my probation to gain tenure with the DOE, and I am able to work full time and allow Josh to fully focus on his education.

And, because of all these things, Josh and I are able to hasten the work of salvation. And it has been beautiful to see everything turn out how The Lord planned it. And we have seen the great blessings of doing so. I am so grateful for this life I get to live with my absolutely wonderful husband. 

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Seeking to be Fulfilled

I spent most of this weekend brooding about my broken dreams. Actually, I don't want to make it sound like my weekend was horrible. It wasn't. But when I get carried away in my thoughts, I can easily turn molehills into mountains if you know what I mean. This is where I am so grateful for my husband. While I was crying and whining about my "broken dreams," I was reminded of one of the greatest dreams I've ever had, that has come true, and remains true each and every day. The dream I am referring to, was falling in love with someone who loves me just as equally. Falling in love with someone who values my happiness so much that he will continue to serve me even when I don't feel like I deserve to be served. Having the absolute privilege to be sealed, for time and all eternity, to this amazing guy who makes me so happy. This is a dream that has come true for me, and serves as a testimony of my Savior's love for me as well. And I should never, ever forget it.