Wednesday, September 24, 2014

I Am The One

I am the One who dreams. I take a look at my present and say to myself, "That's great, but it's not enough." I thank God for the outpouring of love in my life. Yet, I yearn and seek for the ultimate manifestation of love that I may give someday.

I am the One who aches. When you stop to think and look and just sit and take in all that is the pain and stress you feel is in your life, I am right there, looking and sitting and thinking and wishing that I could have a chance at your trial.

I am the One who wonders. You're right, I don't know what it's like. I have no idea what it's like. How could I? I've not yet experienced it. Will I love it? Will I hate it? Will I know what to do when the time comes? Will it bring all the happiness that I have romanticized that it would? Will I still get to be Me?

I am the One who tries. You say it's a burden to have this life. I try to see your perspective. Others seem to be blessed while I remain empty. I try to see God's plan for them; I try to see God's plan for myself. You share your blessed news with me, and that relentless, everlasting battle starts raging inside of me AGAIN. I try to fight off the part of me that wants to scream and crumble at the same time. I try to only let the side show where I am truly happy for you, because I love you. I try to forget the pain that wants to consume me. I try to see the joy in the journey.

When you walk in to a party and we have not seen each other in awhile I am happy to see you, but I am especially happy to offer to hold your child. That precious life that you bore and gave a body to in this mortal life. When you need to eat or just need a break and want to do that thing you love that you haven't done much ever since your life completely and wonderfully changed, I am the One who will be there. I will take him or her in my arms. I am the One who will open my heart and let all that love spill out and just overtake the two of us in a cloud of bliss. All I see are her/his eyes. The rest of the world melts away.

When you complain about the aches and pains of carrying and growing a life for 9 months, I will be there to give you perspective. "At least you can," I say. When you feel like those little rascals give you nothing but grief and stress in a make-you-want-to-pull-your-hair-out kind of way, I will be there to show you that laughter is the best medicine. That the innocence of a child is the most pure of all things on this earth.

I am the One who has a purpose. I am One, among many, who struggles with infertility. I am NOT an infertile woman. Infertility does not define me. I define Myself.

And I love Me, for who I chose to be. And I love my body for all that it does and does not.

I am the One. But someday, I hope to be the One on this earth who my children will call mother.