The Golden Grahams

 Lately I have really been internalizing what true joy looks and feels like, and it's exactly what my life looks like right now. I'm married to the love of my life, my eternal best friend, and we have created this beautiful family of crazy heads who give us so much meaning, and force us to stretch and grow in painful ways sometimes, but it is purposeful pain. It is the kind that directs us towards Heavenly Father, it is the process of letting go of the natural man and seeking Heaven's help every single day. Is is letting go of pride, our need to have complete control, and it's having faith in Him and allowing our kids to stumble and fall (within reason) to learn and grow on their own. It is being tired down to the bones in Josh's efforts to provide for us, and spend quality time with us, and my efforts to nurture and care for the kids and manage everyone's schedules and meet their needs. I have never been so exhausted in my whole life, nor have I felt this much ...

 Yesterday I had to complete a full medical profile for myself to update my life insurance, which led me to logging in to myChart on Hawaii Pacific Health to get information regarding my c-section. It was the first time I read the detailed operative notes of my surgery and I felt so many emotions as I reread every step that happened that night, including a surprising one: immense gratitude. I still cry so much over the circumstances of 'Emalia's birth. I'm less angry about my c-section and more heartbroken over robbed moments. I should have been the first one to hold her, I should've been able to hear her first cry, I should've been able to breastfeed her within her first hour of life. But you know what I realized? The doctors truly did save her life, as much as it pains me to admit that I could have been the cause of her passing had I chosen not to go to the hospital when I did. Her heart rate remained in the 60's for a sustained period of time upon checking in...