Humble Yourself or Be Compelled to Be Humble

I recently read an entry from mine and Josh's "Spiritual Impressions" journal that we keep together and felt that this one was so important I wanted to post it here, just to give another place for it to be saved hopefully forever so that I can read it again and again:

2/5/20

Ari

I learned a very hard and humbling lesson today. While at the beach, Mikala could have drowned. We were at Ko’olina, which is a man-made lagoon and known for its mostly shallow, calm water. I always put Mikala’s floaties on as soon as we arrive at the beach, for his safety. I did this today however halfway through swimming he got cold and wanted to come in, take off his floaties, and sit wrapped up in his towel while he ate some snacks. As he did this, I was nursing Napela who fell asleep. I then put Napela back into his carseat to take a nap, while Mikala decided to run back into the water to play and swim. In my mind, Mikala still had his floaties on so I trusted that he would be safe. He has also had beginner swim lessons so I relied on what he has learned there as well to keep him safe. He was wearing a red rash guard, which was the same color as his floaties. This also made me think he had them on. I began to relax and nonchalantly started eating snacks, occasionally spent time on my phone, and was having a conversation with my sister Amalie while Mikala went out to swim. At some point while I was looking down at my phone, Amalie said, “Ari!! Mikala!” I looked up and saw him struggling to keep his head above water. The instant fear that struck my heart caused me to drop my phone in the sand and sprint down the beach into the water to pull him out. He had walked too far out and it got too deep for him without his floaties. After I pulled him out he started coughing up some of the water he had swallowed and began crying because he was so scared. Once safely on the sand I just hugged him tight even though I was dry and he was soaking wet, I didn’t care. I just kept apologizing to him saying how sorry I was that I wasn’t paying attention to him. After that I decided it was time to go home, especially since it began to rain. 

I have been beating myself up about what happened this entire day, letting my heart ache at what could have happened. What a stupid reason to have almost lost my son, as I was just on Facebook.

Despite these negative feelings and struggling to forgive myself, I am grateful. I am grateful to Heavenly Father that my sister was there and noticed him struggling. I am grateful that I followed a prompting back in July 2019 to enroll my son in swimming lessons so that he could at least fight to stay mostly above water with what basic skills he learned. I am grateful that before this happened, I followed the prompting to encourage Mikala to swim closer to mommy instead of drifting down the beach. This meant I only had to run a short distance to run to his rescue when he started to struggle. If I had let him keep swimming farther down the beach, it would have taken me longer to get to him.

This experience has caused me to be more grateful for my son. Ever since he turned 3 years old we have been struggling to deal with his tantrums appropriately. Some days are just so frustrating. Today, I didn’t care about how his tantrums might’ve irritated me. I was grateful to hear his voice when he cried, evidence that he was very much alive and still here with us. I was reminded how much I truly truly love my son. I was reminded how much I fasted, cried, and prayed for this sweet spirit, my firstborn son. I was reminded that the tantrums now are so temporary compared to the lifetime of joy he will add to our lives and the eternity of love and happiness. It still might take me awhile to fully forgive myself, but I will not forget the lessons I have learned and I am grateful for this wake up call from heavenly father about what truly matters.