My One and Only

5/14/18
This past Saturday I felt like I reached a personal milestone in my infertility journey.
Over this last year, I have been hoping to get pregnant again and fell back into the sadness that comes with month after month of failed hopes. It was affecting the way I treated my son...and not in a good way. Not that I was doing anything extremely negative towards him, but I definitely was not appreciating him like I should have been.
So, on Saturday, I sat on the beach with him in my arms and I was happy and content. He was playing in the sand and being so cute. I realized that it was moments like these that I had dreamed of for years. He was my living miracle. I got what I wanted. I decided right then and there that I was going to start treating him as if he will be my one and only child that I will ever get to carry and bear and love and raise on this earth. If I treat him as if he will be my One and Only, I won't spend days thinking of "what could be." I won't spend my time with him only wishing for more.
After having that realization, I have felt a tremendous sense of peace and a huge relief of the weight that was on my shoulders. I have spent these last several months tracking my cycle, dieting, guilt-tripping myself with each month that passed, blaming myself for preventing our family from growing... People keep telling me, "He needs a playmate! He needs a sister! He needs a brother!" Believe me, if I was in control, that's what would be happening already. 

But maybe God's plan for me is to just have one. Or maybe we will be shocked with another surprise pregnancy, years down the road? Who knows? But, what I do know is that I don't want to wake up one day full of regret for not fully appreciating and taking advantage of each and everyday with my miracle boy that is right here, right now. He deserves ALL of my love, ALL the time. I will no longer be holding back and waiting for more...because he is enough.

Epilogue: I just rediscovered this draft I had written on 5/14/18 and today is 4/2/20. I was blessed with a 2nd surprise pregnancy the following year and gave birth to Mikala's brother on 11/17/19. I am so grateful I wrote down this beautiful entry because it will always remind me to be grateful for Mikala and for both miracles in my life.

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